This is really the first time I’ve had the chance to sit and write since I’ve gotten to Alaska. And really, who knows how much I’ll actually get down? I have no idea what my life is going to look like once I get home. Is it going to be really hard? Or will it go as well as it could go? There’s so much going on in my head and I just want to get down as much as I’m able before it’s lost forever.

Driving up Mt. Baldy with Terry, Trevor and Sarah. I’ve literally never done anything like it before in my life. I’ve never felt like this. They all warned me, and I knew they’d be right, but I can honestly say that today was one of the best days of my life.

All of the time that I’ve gotten to spend with Trevor since I’ve been here. I’m so grateful that I was able to make a friend like this while I’m here or I would be having such a different experience. I thought I would want to have all this sex while I was here and venture out on my own but I’ve really felt very little need for any of that. I want to be here with my brothers and sisters, getting stoned and eating great food and sharing honestly with each other how hard this life is. How insanely hard and fucking worth it this all is.

I’m knocking on people’s fucking doors in Alaska. Being invited into their homes. Trudging along through the snow and mud and driving up mountains, bringing people the Good News of solidarity with their brothers and sisters all over the Country. Never in any lifetime would I have ever thought that this would be my life. Not ever.

I just had a humanizing conversation with Rose, of all people that I could have run into in the elevator. I didn’t have a lighter, and I really wanted to just get stoned and masturbate and go to sleep. (Tonight was also the first time I ever bought recreational marijuana at a dispensary!! And I went with Trevor and we walked around downtown Anchorage and it was literally magical. I felt on top of the fucking world. And really, I’m the closest that I’ll probably every be to that being true.) She told me about how she became an organizer and it just keeps solidifying the fact that this is the real work. This is it. We’re all organizers and activists first and everything else comes second to that.

Tomorrow will probably be the last time I knock doors in Alaska for the rest of my life. Friday we have presentations and our banquet and it will be my last night with Trevor. I may never come back here after this week. For the first time in a really, really long fucking time I have absolutely no idea what direction my life is going in or how I’m going to get there. The chaos that comes with that is just lost on me here. It doesn’t exist. What an incredible blessing to be able to deal with this shit in this way. I am just so grateful.

33 hours from now I will be boarding a plane to Anchorage. Another new Start. I will be taking off with my Union brothers and landing halfway across the world. T drew attention to what I’ve already known; I thrive off of the change, the chaos, the constant shift. I ride it like a wave into the rockiest seas of my life. I am most at peace when supported by the constant hum of my own mind.

My truest self. My best self.

The rest of my sisters and brothers have assured me that this is transformative. I reassured them that there was no better time for me to be transformed.